Completely Biased and Irrational Power Rankings: Week 1.

1. New England Patriots. The second coming has come and all hail Jimmy Garoppollo. I’d like to see Tim Brady avoid that Arizona pass rush with no Gronk to throw to. 

2. Green Bay Packers. The only team that’s continual success pisses off almost as many people as the Patriots. Plus Aaron Rodgers may be a robot.

3. Denver Broncos. Quarterbacks? Where were going we don’t need no stinking quarterbacks. The tales of Denver defensive demise have been highly exaggerated.

4. Pittsburgh Steelers. You’d have to be high to think this offense could be stopped by a suspension. 

5. Cincinnati Bengals. It’s not playoff time yet so they pretty much are unbeatable.

6. Seattle Seahawks. They almost lost to the Miami Dolphins. I want to put them lower. But everyone else sucks more.

7. Carolina Panthers. You lost to a quarterback who’s name I can’t spell. I didn’t think I’d have to learn it. You still lost to him.

8. Arizona Cardinals. You lost to the Patriots when they didn’t have Gronkowski. Seriously aren’t like 95% of the pats losses in the last few seasons  the games Gronk didn’t play in? Probably the first team in 15 years that can say they wish they had played the Pats with Brady instead.

9. Kansas City Chiefs. Like all good Andy Reid teams they just win.  Until the playoffs.

10. Houston Texans. I want to rank them so much higher. I really do, I’m from the same hometown as JJ Watt. I really really want them to be good. But they struggled with the Chicago Bears.

11. Oakland Raiders. I believe they may be the team of the future in the NFL. I have a ton of faith the Las Vegas Raiders will bring home a Lombardi eventually. The Oakland Raiders though well that young defense may have singlehandedly justified Drew Brees’s contract extension.

12. Minnesota Vikings. This will go up when Bradford takes over, but good thing Adrian Peterson and his 35 yards rushing proved that 31 year old running backs can still be great in the nfl. Maybe they can just have the d play ironman?

13. New York Giants. I had to talk myself into typing that but if Victor Cruz is actually back to form this could be a dangerous team. Then again they only beat the Cowboys, we have to see what they will do against nfl competition.

14. Detroit Lions. Indianapolis got a good look at what their offense will be like when Jim Bob Cooter is their head coach next year. 

15. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Famous Jameis. That is all. The clock is running to when Cam Newton is the nfl good guy and Jameis is the new villain. Reality check, Winston might be the best qb under 26 years old in the nfl. Free crab legs for everyone.

16. Baltimore Ravens. Well Flacco hasn’t gone wacko yet. Suggs hasn’t got hurt yet. But how long can that last?

17. Jacksonville Jaguars. Narrowly losing to the Packers at home is better then narrowly losing to the Seahawks or Bengals closely on the road? Yep. Plus the Jaguars have a lot of really hot female fans. Who wear bikinis to the game. Can you say that Jets? Can you say that Dolphins? (Well maybe the Dolphins can, but do they have a pool at their stadium?)

18.  Miami Dolphins. They almost beat the Seahawks at their home. One of the toughest places to play in the nfl. If this would be horseshoes or handgrenades that would really count for more. If their logo was a little better maybe I could trust them more.

19.  New York Jets. It’s fitzmagic. I’m not sure what it is though. Darrelle Revis isn’t as bad as he looked against the Bengals. He isn’t the Darrelle Revis of 4 years ago either. They are the best bearded team in the league though. That has to count for something. 

20. Philadelphia Eagles. Hey igloos fans enjoy this moment. They won’t be this high again this year. The upside? Wentz is the real deal. The downside? He is going to get a rough rest of his welcome to the nfl. Upside it’s always sunny in Philadelphia is still the best sitcom on tv.

21. Washington Redskins.  Captain Kirk failed at the box office and in week one. How could you do this to me? I picked you to win the division! 

22. Indianapolis Colts. Well you’re still number one in neckbeards. Seriously get Luck some talent around him soon. 

23.  New Orleans Saints. The demise of Drew Brees may not come this year. Too bad he is stuck with this defense. 

24. Buffalo Bills. The countdown to it becoming Cardelle “12 gauge” Jones team has begun. Rex Ryan is going to be so awesome when he joins the Fox pregame show.

25. San Francisco 49ers. Chip is not insane. I repeat Chip is not insane. His offense can’t work for 17 weeks of NFL football….but it can be a machine for 8 or 9 weeks. He hasn’t alienated anyone on his team yet either. Plus it’s not like any of his players has done anything controversial.

26. San Diego Chargers. Or should I say Los Angeles? They lack as much identity as their name implies. They have Phillip Rivers. He is the last true gunslinger quarterbacking in the league. His best receiver is done for the season. Yepp. So if they don’t play out their schedule will anyone notice?

27. Tennessee Titans. They got some good running backs. A great qb coach can make something out of Mariotta. If dogs could tap dance we’d all watch. 

28.  Chicago Bears. Jay Cutler. I repeat Jay Cutler. Good news though. You can afford to cut him after this year.

29. Atlanta Falcons. Jeff George keeps putting up great numbers in loses. Wait that’s not Jeff George? It’s Matt Ryan? Are you sure? Good thing they aren’t wasting the best wr in the game or anything. I like how they just grab 11 fans out the stands to play defense though…

30. Cleveland Browns. Even when they do the right thing it backfires. They needed more then a qb. They traded down. They got more pieces that they desperately needed. They took a no risk flyer on a former golden child qb. The only way it could backfire was if he got hurt in week 1. They have the best left tackle in the game and have one of the best wr tandems in the game. It’s the other 49 roster spots that they have to worry about.

31. Los Angeles Rams. They got shutout and blown out by the San Francisco 49ers. Their number 1 overall draft pick didn’t even dress for the game. At least  you have Todd Gurley. Ask the 90s lions how having just a great rb with nothing else does for you. Or a coach that is mediocre yet never has to worry about his job.

32. Dallas Cowboys. Dez keeps dropping it. Tony Romo’s experimental procedure to replace his bones with peanut brittle appears to have backfired. Reaching for ezekial elliot seems to have been a great move. The upside? Dak Prescott looks like he is going to be a great qb someday. Downside? It won’t be this year. 

J. Russell Zinn

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